10 March 2011

This Crazy Love

I know it might seem as if I have fallen off the face of the earth. It's just that a few things changed and I've needed some time to adjust . . .

David has decided to stay in Florida for now. I was heartbroken, and drove down there to see him. It was a good thing because we reconnected and for the most part, had a lovely and intimate time together. It was a bad thing because it makes me miss him worse than ever.

But it did create hope within him to see me looking healthy. Hope he did not have before.

This I know: we still love each other very much. We plan to continue to talk regularly and work on reconciling. The door is still open and neither one of us is ready to close it. We also will definitely be married at least until I am done with graduate school because he wants me to finish and said he would support me through it.

But I told him I won't wait forever. I want a life partner, someone by my side who will be there through the good and bad times. I am sometimes terrified we won't come back together and I will be alone for life. I don't think I can bear that thought, especially after the five days spent with him in Florida.

So I am very confused right now. I long for my husband and I don't know how any of this will turn out. It feels very crazy at times to me. I also have cried a lot of tears and this morning (almost) felt like giving up. But I won't because no matter what, the way to a better and happy life is to be healthy. Diving back into anorexia would only kill me.

And that is what I have been up to the past week . . . Now I need to find the strength to endure a long-distance marriage, and continue to recover from anorexia and complete graduate school. I've allowed myself today to just rest and do nothing. By the weekend, I must start my work again.

I still believe all of this will have a happy ending. But I know I have to trust in God and have faith.

Believe and it will be true . . .

6 comments:

lifeafteranorexia said...

With God all things are possible.

Maybe this time apart will somehow strengthen your marriage and bring you closer together in the long run. And maybe it will prove that you are strong enough to take care of yourself and nurture yourself and do what's right for your body, all on your own. I know you can. I have faith, too.

Kristina said...

Bless your heart....
Keep fighting!
I believe in you!

Kristina

Sensory Overload said...

Angela,

You have come so far and will continue to find growth and insight as you clearly are committed to staying and being open. I hope that whatever comes of your marriage, you realize that you are deserved of love. It may feel so wonderful to receive it from another, but to receive it from our own selves I believe is one of the greatest gifts ever.

Celebrate your successes and hold tight to that which you believe and know.

Be well,

-n

bananas said...

Hang tight, Angela. I really do think things are going to work out for you. You've made so much progress -- it's light night and day. Sometimes it just takes a little while for our loved ones to *believe* in us again. They've been hurt. Everyone wants to protect themselves.

Missy said...

Maybe now that you are so much better it will seem less like a long distance relationship than when you were very sick and he lived with you.

I also agree with what Jess says, this might bring strength.

Josie Tuttle said...

Your journey has been amazing to follow. You seem very clear about your needs right now. I can't tell you how great that is. Continue to hope and continue to fight!